


When Pandora Falls

by TinyTantei (56leon)



Category: Gravity Falls, Magic Kaito, 名探偵コナン | Detective Conan | Case Closed
Genre: Everybody's happy, F/M, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Saguru and Kaito are the Pines parents, kaito is unkillable but not immortal, kind of, weird au, weird time shenanigans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-10
Updated: 2015-08-23
Packaged: 2018-04-13 22:35:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4540041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/56leon/pseuds/TinyTantei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Before Great Uncle Stanford dismantled the gateway, another surprise fell out of the multiverse. Two surprises, actually. But Kaitou KID and Saguru Hakuba have no idea what's in store for them after their mid-heist scuffle - and Mabel and Dipper don't know why their parents don't recognize them. </p><p>/HakuKai, Pines!Parents AU/</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pines Rises/Meteora Falls

**Author's Note:**

> This is literally the weirdest thing I've ever tried to write.
> 
> Enjoy?

PINES RISES

* * *

"I'm not going into witness protection! What do you take me for, an idiot?" At the not-so-tender age of nineteen, Kuroba Kaito had been sho, poisoned, stabbed and generally nearly assassinated a grand total of fifty-five times, and that didn't include Nakamori-keibu's attempts to arrest the thief. In Saguru's not-so-humble opinion, he had every right to force the Japanese teen into witsec. "I'm going to catch my bad guys, and I'm going to do it my way. There's no way I'm going through the system, bastard."

"Do you want to die?" Hakuba was at the end of his metaphorical rope with this boy. Really, was it so hard to get the one you love to contemplate the joys of not getting killed every five days? And that wasn't even a metaphor. Seriously, the next time Kaito showed up at school after getting his neck snapped in half, he was going to personally do it himself. "Pandora might have chosen you to do whatever it is you do, but as far as I'm concerned, you're not immortal and you're definitely not all-powerful. Now either you can comply, or I can drag you into the program kicking and screaming. What say you?"

The word scathing couldn't hold a candle to the glower Kaito gave him. "I say neither. Now stay out of my business before I-"

"What about Aoko?" That was a low blow and they both knew it, but the detective was running out of options at this point, and he was desperate to keep Kaito safe. "It'll only be a matter of time before they stop targeting you and start targeting her." His voice faltered at the indecipherable look Kaito leveled at him, but he could do nothing but continue. "Aoko-kun, then Akako-chan, even your mother."

Maybe it was a trick of the light, but he could have sworn he saw Kaito mutter something under his breath; he rued his inability to read lips. "...fine," he said finally, still staring at Saguru with that look he couldn't quite read. "Fine, I'll do it. But we're playing this by my rules."

"You have no rules," Saguru pointed out scathingly. "But I'll see what I can do. 0800 in front of the clocktower?"

Kaito shot him one last glance before nodding and turning away. "I'll see you then."

* * *

"Takeshi Suzuhara?" A twenty-one year old Kaito nodded and accepted his mail without so much as a thank you before hurrying back into his house in sunny Sacramento. It was the only thing that seemed to keep him together most days, the Monday post that he waited near the mailbox for every week like a faithful pet. The only thing tracing him back to his old life. He rifled through the bills - those would get paid later, as always - to find the manila envelope that never failed to arrive. Kind of like its sender.

There was no return address, of course, but Kaito had to be an idiot to not realize who it was. _Takeshi_ , the letter began, and Kaito delicately traced his finger over the cursive script, savoring the physical words rather than their meanings. I hope you're doing well. _Everybody misses you..._

Damnit, witsec wasn't worth this. Not being able to see Aoko, his mom...Hakuba. That was the worst. The letters used to ease at least some of his dread, but not they did no help. It was like being so close that he could almost reach out and touch the man he left Japan for, but not quite. It was like how Pandora used to be.

_I'll try to write again as soon as I'm able. Cheers, Hakuba Saguru._

With a mixture of loneliness and frustration, he gently creased the paper and returned it to its envelope before letting it join its brethren in the small box in his office. One hundred and twelve letters, one hundred and twelve weeks into his new life, and he still felt as though it were the first day. With a deep sigh, he turned to look at the clock, and got ready for work.

* * *

 

The following Monday, no mail came. No more would come for a long time.

* * *

"Hello, I'm your new neighbor. I-"

"You _bastard_."

Kaito's new neighbor, who offered the name James Pines, simply grinned sheepishly, his arm in a sling and his sandy blond hair windswept and not at all like the usually composed locks the other was used to seeing. "Sorry," he murmured, smiling softly at 'Takeshi' and leaning against the doorway. "I really did miss you. You can punch me if you want."

Instead, Kaito scowled darkly and reached up to yank Saguru into a long awaited kiss.

* * *

At twenty-three, Takeshi Suzuhara married James Pines. The reception was moderately large, with the Pines family (the real Pines family, into whom Hakuba had been gladly accepted) extending invitations to their Hakuba-Crichton branch in England. There weren't many present for Takeshi, save for his mother Rui. Still, Kaito couldn't have been happier to see Chikage for the first time in four years; she was the little piece of life that he had left, and his smile was even more radiant as she walked down the aisle with him.

However, there was nobody happier than Saguru to see the love of his life as full of life as he had been in ages.

* * *

"Saguru?"

"Hm?"

"What do you think about kids?"

"Well, it's impossible for two men to have children-"

"I know that, you idiot."

"-but I did happen to stumble across a few numbers for local homes...if you want to adopt, that is."

"Really?"

"Anything for you, love."

* * *

They couldn't find a couple willing to let a same-sex couple adopt, and it hurt to see Kaito get more and more dejected after every attempt. But their saving grace came in the form of Alyssa Pines, into her third year of college and without a father to take care of her child due in five months. She loved Kaito and Saguru like her own parents, and was more than willing to let them take care of her children. She didn't want to be a mother, not when she was so young and couldn't take care of them herself.

Kaito was beside himself with gratitude for their beloved niece, and Saguru was just as thrilled, both for Kaito and for the child who they would get to meet in such a short amount of time.

* * *

Nobody had wanted an ultrasound; the child was going to be a surprise, all three of them had decided. Unfortunately, or fortunately as fate would have had it, the surprise had turned into a pair of surprises. A boy and a girl, both tiny and fragile and reaching out for each other's hands as soon as they were both swathed in blankets.

Kaito named the boy, Dipper after the cute little birthmark on his forehead. It reminded him of the starry night sky that he used to grow up under, and the Big Dipper that always pointed him the way home after a heist. And the girl, Saguru had took it upon himself to name her. Mabel, the name meaning lovable, and she couldn't have been more so. From the moment he laid eyes on her, he knew that both she and her brother would be loved so, so much, and that he was so, so happy to be there with them in that moment.

Maybe it would become harder, later on, but at that moment...it was all perfect.

* * *

Kaito took it upon himself to be the mother of the house, and he fit the stereotype well, being a better cook and housekeeper than Saguru, who had been sheltered his entire life. When food and nap time didn't do the trick, Kaito would keep the twins entertained with magic and songs, giving up his job (one that he didn't particularly like, if he had to be honest with himself) to become a suburban housewife. And maybe it was stereotypical, but when Mabel had first called him mama, he had immediately clung to the name. Mothers didn't have to be women, he claimed, and Saguru didn't argue.

(Mainly because Kaito was too cute, beaming down at the children who called him mom.)

* * *

"But dad, why do we have to go?" Frankly, Saguru was in agreement with Dipper on this one. Stanford had always been a brilliant man, but...well, sending their kids to the middle of nowhere, Oregon, for the summer with a great-uncle who was probably a shut-in wasn't exactly Saguru's idea of safe.

Mabel and Kaito, however, were of the opposite persuasion. Mabel saw potential in everything, and while that was usually endearing and sometimes inspiring, well...paired with Kaito's recklessness and penchant for trickery, the two usually got into more trouble than Dipper and Saguru.

"It'll be fine, sweetie," Kaito said, tousling Dipper's hair before placing his cap on his head. "Just one summer, and if you don't have fun, you can go to that space camp next year. How does that work?"

Dipper finally relented, grabbing his backpack and his excited sister's arm and dragging them both out the door.

"I'll write back every day," Mabel promised, grinning widely. "There'll be tons of fun stuff to tell you about! Bye, mom! Bye, dad!" Well, at least Dipper would be there to keep her out of trouble. And on this end...

"The kids are gone," Kaito finally turned to Saguru, wiggling his eyebrows. Saguru simply stared deadpan at his husband, until Kaito used that damned KID smirk that doubled as master level bedroom eyes.

Well, he decided as he rolled his eyes but still followed Kaito into the master bedroom. Things couldn't go too badly over here.

* * *

It was supposed to be dismantled, but...Stanford Pines couldn't believe that the immensely deep circle he had closed before was opening once again, with a brilliant light shining through it. He had destroyed the gateway, what the hell was going on-?

"Great-uncle Ford? What's going on?" Shit, no, it was too dangerous for Dipper to be down here right now! "I heard something from upstairs, and-"

"Stay out of here!" Before he could say anything more, the bizarre light erupted into pink and red flames, and everything faded to white.

* * *

 METEORA FALLS

* * *

"KID! Hand over the jewel!"

"I don't think so, keibu," KID purred as he easily slipped away from the second-rate inspector. Really, it was too easy nowadays, it was as if he didn't have to try. And it seemed as though tantei-san were absent from this particular heist-

-is what he thought until he felt something fly past his cheek. A pellet ricocheted off of the nearby wall, and KID turned back to see Hakuba Saguru pointing a Bebe gun at him cockily. "Give it back, Kuroba."

"Oho? It seems as though you're having a case of mistaken identity, tantei-san," he said, grinning widely and holding the gem, a pink sapphire called the Meteora, out to taunt the detective. "But alas, this gem is now mine. Tata, dear tantei!"

He counted one, two, three more shots whizzing past him, all coming dangerously close to his head. Damn detective - even if they wouldn't kill him, they'd damn hurt, but he probably knew that already. He had to get out before he ran out of pellets, and fast.

As he turned a corner, though, a particular shot rang out, and a burning sensation in his hand caused him to drop the gem, the Meteora slipping out of his hands and falling down the stairwell. He had been hit...Hakuba wasn't too far behind, but it must still have been a lucky shot, considering his other poor attempts. KID lunged for the falling sapphire just as Hakuba did the same, and it was almost déjà vu, except this time the target was a gem instead of a gas mask. Ten centimeters, eight, five...

The gem hit the floor with an impossibly loud clink, and as two hands grasped it simultaneously, the world faded into pink and red.

 _Well_ , was KID's final thought as the blinding light overtook all of his senses, _this can't be good._


	2. The Curtain Rises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 1: Saguru meets a man and two kids.  
> Part 2: Kaito meets a familiar face (to us, at least).  
> Part 3: The Pines worry over nothing and everything at once.
> 
> Not proofread; will do that once I'm not tired af.
> 
> Enjoy!

Seconds ticked away in the nothingness of Saguru's unconsciousness, the only constant between waking and sleeping the time that passed between. It was an odd ability he had, one he didn't even know how to explain, but it helped him immensely.

At least he knew that he had been unconscious for exactly two hours, seventeen minutes and five-point-nine seconds. But that in itself didn’t explain the throbbing in his head, or how he was transported from the heist location, to...wherever this was. He was in a bed, but it wasn’t a hospital bed - no, far from it. It was made of rickety wood, almost as though it wasn’t made for somebody of his stature. There was another bed across from him, covered with an assortment of stuffed animals; most definitely the sleeping quarters of a young girl. This side of the room looked slightly more masculine, if not more barren, than the other, so Saguru assumed it belonged to a boy. Siblings? Twins, even, if the furniture's symmetry was any indicator.

His deductions came to a halt as he heard the thick sound of boots against a wooden staircase, and sat up slightly just in time to see a man lean against the doorframe. "Didn't expect you to fall through the wormhole," the stranger said, crossing his arms in front of himself and eyeing Saguru warily. He had a perfect American accent to accompany his English, which was an oddity in this particular neck of Japan, to say the least. "Are you alright? You and that kid took a pretty nasty tumble. I wouldn't be surprised if you got concussed there."

"I'm...fine." He hoped the other could understand him through his thick mixture of a Japanese-English accent. Well, the explained the headache, at least. He surely did hope it wasn't a concussion. "If you don't mind my asking, what happened? And where are we?"

"Oh, that's right. You're not used to the anomalies, are you?" Anomalies? What was this man, some type of conspiracy theorist? "Well, you're in Gravity Falls, Oregon, for one. The twins were absolutely surprised when you came through the wormhole, wanted to be right next to you when you woke up, but I told them that you needed your rest. Are you up for seeing them?"

“I-” Before he could even reply, the sound of tiny feet pounding up the staircase interrupted whatever he was planning on saying, and two brown-haired heads - one boy and one girl, most definitely twins - peeked out from behind the older man.

“Dad!” The girl was the first to speak, shooting him the largest, most braces-filled smile he had ever seen on somebody her size and bounding over to stand next to the bed. “You’re awake! Are you okay? We were worried sick! There was this giant wormhole, and suddenly blam! Whapow!”

Gods, her onomatopoeias were almost painful to listen to, but he could barely focus on those as it was. Had she called her dad? He wasn’t old enough to be anybody’s father, not to mention he- with a groan, he rested his forehead in his hands, speaking lowly. “I’m...not your father.”

There was a beat of silence, then two, and by the third, Saguru knew he said something wrong. He looked up to see the girl staring at him, wide-eyed and worried, while the boy and older man - not father, but somewhat blood related, most likely an uncle? - shot each other a look that Saguru frankly didn’t appreciate. “Ha,” the girl forced out a laugh, grinning again (although noticeably dimmer than before). “Mom was always the prankster, you know you’re no good at that kind of stuff!”

“Mabel-”

“Dipper, don’t.” Well, he had the twins’ names now, but that did little to remedy the situation. “Listen, James-”

“My name isn’t James.” Whoever this man thought he was, he wasn’t. Or at least, that’s what he believed until the next few words came out of his mouth.

“Fine then. _Saguru._ ” Well, he was starting to make sense now, if just barely, and that still didn’t explain anything. “Now, I don’t know how to explain this to you, but...”

Oh, here came the kicker.

“I believe you came from another dimension.”

* * *

“ _Kuso_ ,” Kaito swore under his breath as he clutched at his side, drops of blood spattering to the ground. It was just like that bastard to always try to get the upper hand. Although granted, it was Kaito’s fault that Hakuba hit his head on the metal pole and passed out, and it was Kaito’s fault that he got stabbed in the side with some kind of glass whatever.

No, wait, that wasn’t his fault. It was whoever that asshole with the glasses was.

He leaned more heavily against the thick log and pulled out another green shard, hissing slightly as another wave of pain emanated from the wound. “Damn four-eyes,” he muttered under his breath as he tore a long trip from his sleeve to wrap around his wound. “This was my last good suit, too...”

“Is somebody there?” he froze immediately at the sound of a deep, burly voice echoing through the forest. Shit, suddenly Kaito couldn’t think fast enough to find a way out of the situation. He was stuck in place, halfway torn between running away and letting them draw near.

Finally, he decided on a course of action. “Please don’t come any closer!” His voice was an American falsetto, speaking fluent English just as the man before did. “I’m....I’m armed!” Surely that would deter the man enough for the time being.

But apparently it wasn’t just a man, as a more feminine voice called from the thick cluster of trees, “Don’t worry, we’re not going to hurt you, okay? We’re just wondering why a stranger like you is out in the middle of the forest like this.” The grass rustled, footsteps crunching the leaves underneath and betraying their location - they were dead ahead of him, and getting closer.

With a final cuss in Japanese, he bailed and did what he was best known for - disguising. It was no secret that KID was a quick-change artist, but it was still a feat beyond reality to go from being in his KID tuxedo to a dress the same shade of white, with that same strip of sleeve wrapped around his torso.

It was also a wonder where he got the long, curly wig and blue contacts to complete the outfit.

Out of the woods stumbled a girl with long red hair, looking for all the world like a lumberjack’s daughter. Which was probably what she was, considering the thick-chested man who followed shortly after. “Holy- are you okay?” The ginger was quick to react upon seeing the red blossoming from his side (or rather, her side, all things considered), and swiftly moved to make sure the wound was treated properly.

“I’m fine,” Kaito muttered tiredly, still in the same falsetto as before. “I was just at the wrong end of a bottle.” Which was to say the least. “Do you know where the nearest town is? I can just- rest up there, or something.”

“No way, dude,” he started slightly at the wording before realizing that she just must have been more colloquial than most. “Come on, you can stay with me and dad for a bit. I’ll take you to town after you’re all patched up.”

Kaito tried to resist both her offer and the arm wrapping around his waist to prop him up, but the blood-induced fatigue was kicking in, and he really couldn’t bother when she promised to fix his wound. “All right,” he finally agreed, “but I can take care of myself, okay?”

The girl smiled at him. “Yeah, I get that. Privacy, right? Hey, what’s your name?”

Well she was a weird one, asking for his name right after respecting his privacy. With a cough, he mumbled, “Rin. Fukanaga- er, Rin Fukanaga.” Well, it was a spur of the moment name, to say the least. “And yours?”

“Wendy,” she replied. “It’s nice to meet you, Rin.”

“Yeah,” Kaito muttered, and wondered how long it would take to get the hell out of dodge (Wherever this dodge may be). “It’s nice to meet you, too.”

* * *

“Saguru! Did you read Mabel’s latest letter?” The ex-detective glanced up from his newspaper to raise an eyebrow at his husband. They usually read her letters together, enjoying how her imagination ran wild with crazy stories based on the book she said Dipper found. What could really be so different this time?

However, Kaito seemed to have a differing opinion as he held the paper tensely in both hands, the white material crinkling where his fingernails pressed against it. “She wrote- I don’t know, it’s something about Stanley. She said...she said that Stanley and Stanford were reunited. Saguru, the twins aren’t even supposed to know about Stanley, and he’s...” He trailed off worriedly, glancing between Saguru and the paper.

With a sigh, Saguru stood up, walked over to Kaito, and took the letter out of his hands. “Listen, Kaito,” he muttered lowly, “you’re overthinking things. Mabel has always had a more active imagination than most. Stanford may have just told them about Stanley, and she decided that they needed a happy ending.” Running a hand through Kaito’s bird’s nest hair - even so many years did little to tame the soft yet unruly locks - he looked straight into his husband’s eyes. “Kaito, there’s only one Pandora. They’re not going to get hurt.”

It was a mantra that had kept Kaito subdued during the twins’ infancy, when he was plagued with nightmares of Snake coming for them and their children, of them having to grow up without a mother, or father, or even not grow up at all. There was only one Pandora, and Kaito was in possession of it now; the organization had even given up its hunt for Kaitou KID after the longest time, assuming that the gem had been destroyed. It was odd, how those four words could calm him down so easily. There’s only one Pandora.

“You’re right,” he muttered, lowering his hands from their guarded position in front of him. “Of course you’re right, London no tantei-kun. There’s...probably nothing to worry about.”

“Hey, are you all right?” He deciphered much more than just hesitance within Kaito’s pause. There was disbelief, and also a hint of weariness and fatigue that didn’t come easily for somebody who had slept for ten hours the night before.

Still, Kaito just waved him away. “I’m fine, just a little...backlash from getting so wound up. I’m going to go rest for a while.” Under Saguru’s watchful gaze, Kaito returned to their bedroom, snuggling up underneath the covers and falling asleep shortly after.

And although Saguru was more than certain that there was more to Kaito’s condition than just adrenaline, he couldn’t do anything about it. Pandora was his first guess, but he couldn’t commune with the red crystal lodged within his husband’s chest, and he most definitely couldn’t tell it to leave Kaito alone so that the two could live in peace.

So all he did was watch the former thief as he slept, deep breaths in and out reminding Saguru that he was just fatigued, nowhere close to the fifty-five fates he had encountered all those years before. That he would sleep it off, and then wake up as full of energy as ever.

 _Except,_ said the little voice at the base of his skull that murmured what he would soon learn to be truth, _that Kaito might not bounce back quite as well as before._

_ (Or perhaps not at all.) _

**Author's Note:**

> Me: [laughs into the abyss]  
> Abyss: [laughs back]


End file.
